So here we go (deep breath),

I feel as though I have been running from writing for quite some time. I will even set aside time to write and I wont do it. Or, I will designate quiet times where I can sit and relax and reflect. But, everytime I find myself doing the same thing..fidgeting, my thoughthts racing, deeming something else much more important. So, I am wandering what I am running from? The truth? liberation? answers? You would think that that is what one wants in life but I guess I have to be honest and say that I am scared…

Scared to find out the answers..because if I do have the answers or even silver lining in the cloud then what? What do I do with the answers? Will it help? Will it free me? I’m not sure so in order to be safe I keep running..running from what’s inside.

But like all things I feel as though my race from running will soon be coming to an end. I will keep the date with my ownself so we can talk, so we can grow, and we can learn from the past and help toward what I feel like is about to be a wonderful future. Sometimes I get bits and pieces of the truth and it paralyzes me for a moment, kind of catching me off guard and halting me in my tracks. Sometimes it allows me to take a deep breath and sometimes I feel like I am standing naked with no covering. Its those moments that keep me hesitant from the date with myself. That is why I keep standing my own self up. But even I have my limits, even I have almost exhausted every other possibility besides my own date.

When we finally do meet it will be a good day! A liberating day! A freedom day! I know that there will be much to say and much to be heard and in the back of my mind I’m ready to listen but there is a tiny tiny spot that is so scared of completely letting the door all the way open. Its like i want to know all the contents behind the door before I allow myself to go all the way in. But, I’m learning that life doesn’t work that way. You have to completely let go of one door to be ready for the next.

When will that day come? Hopefully soon! To be continued…