I remember it well, I was staring at my computer wandering if I should push the submit button. I’ve done this so many times before, where I get these exciting ideas that take me away from the mundane and into a place of excitement, and for that short period of time, I understand what it must feel like to be a free spirit. Then, reality hits me and reminds me that i’m very much a planner and logical thinker, and pushing the submit button for the plane tickets would take courage. My trip to Seattle was no different, I had thought of it months in advance, a place where me and Lil man could go to escape the normality of our structured and rather predictable life. I wanted to continue our tradition of visiting a different zoo each year. I had always heard Seattle was beautiful, so I decided why not? While planning, I totally understood the dilemma Angela basset faced in the movie How Stella Got her Groove Back. She wrestled with her anomaly in wanting to take a trip to Jamaica. It sounded good, but the logical, conservative, “play it safe person” found a way to turn it down. All the questions of the past started to unfold, and I would replay those questions as if I had them placed in a rolodex in alphabetical order. “What if something goes wrong?” ” Ian might get sick?” “Once you spend the money something will happen?” And in my defense, that had been the case many times before, so I could only yield to those lingering questions. But something was different this time, a constant, “Go for it!” Kept circulating through my thoughts and spirit. So after three days, talking to several friends, and much prayer, I decided to push the submit button and wait..Wait for the overwhelming, heart wrenching feeling of “you just made a big mistake” feeling followed by much anxiety, but those feelings never came. On the contrary, with the push of the button, I felt liberated and free.
As the months grew closer, I found myself wanting to revert back to fear, because so far, it had been smooth sailing and I just knew that there was bad news or catastrophe waiting for me. And in some weird way, I was preparing myself for it. It was almost as though if something did happen I felt I deserved not to go, and if it nothing did happen, I got lucky. As I was packing and riding to the airport, I kept searching for something to disqualify me from the feeling of happiness, but it never did. So I embraced it and held on to it for dear life. ..
Once we arrived in Seattle I looked at my Lil man and he looked at me and we both smiled as if on cue. He makes me sooo happy and I was thrilled that I could provide him experiences to draw upon as he gets older. As we made our way through the airport, I felt much anticipation in reconnecting with a friend that I hadn’t seen in almost 8 years. I thought to myself, “what am I doing here?” “What if it’s weird? ” “what if we don’t have much to say?” We all know I’m not a small talk person. But all those feelings went away when I heard a soft but strong voice that called my name and embraced me with a hug that made me feel loved.
During my week long stay there, I saw the most beautiful city. I got to experience so much and I felt myself growing into something more, something better. Although I love my small town, sometimes the confines of the familiar stifles my thinking, growth and my courage to dare to dream and hope for more. So I look forward to new adventures to draw upon and grow from and experience.
I walked away learning so much more about myself from my time there and sharing it with my friend Kim. I learned from her how to relax as a mother. She handled her three boys beautifully and with such patience. Each child, carrying their own personality and somehow she was able to be exactly what they needed. I learned to allow Ian the freedom to make mistakes and that I don’t have to hover over him every second of the day, and in doing this, I have created additional space within me to be more loving, creative, and open. I learned while being there, that staying in the moment is worth fighting for. I would have had a miserable time if I would have missed this lesson. I learned that it is very necessary for me to wake up earlier to have my quiet time. I am a much better mom, friend and person when I take time to prepare myself for the day. Lastly, I learned that I have to be open to new options. That what I think and envision may not always be accurate or the right time to pursue it. And when it is time to pursue it, I will know when to take the steps.
I’m glad that I learned this about myself. It caught me by surprise, because all I thought I was doing was going on vacation with my lil man. I am thankful that I was able to experience the moments with Ian and reconnect with a life long friend whom I gained tremendous insight, and found the courage to be open with my future. To you, my dear friend Kim, I will forever be grateful.
#REBORN #RENEWED #RECOLORED