So its been a few days since I have been able to write..not because I didn’t have anything to say but I just have not found the time to write. I want to be clear on these blogs of mine. They are not for show to say “look at me” and I’m not trying to sound high and mighty. These are just my thoughts and what I’m finding is that it is so cathartic for me when I sit down and write and a lot of times I answer my own questions before I can put the period on the end of a sentence and all I can do is smile. So my hope is that I can share my thoughts and perspectives with you and you can do the same for me.
This blog is about “playing catch up”. I had this thought as I was driving down the street (because I have started writing more i carry a little book with me so i wont forget my thoughts) this thought came to me. “I am stuck in limbo from day to day becasue I am waiting for my emotions to catch up with my thoughts.” And I feel like I am caught in the undertoe of my own emotions. Everytime I come up for air its a different feel. One day or moment I”m like..yes I can do this.. and then the next moment i’m feel like I”ve sunken futher than I did when I started. So for me I have to “Speak those things into my life that be not as though they are.” I am understanding that more and more everyday. I dont have to wait for my feelings to catch up with me before I start accepting what God has for me already. Its as thought I was sitting back and watiting for God to make everything right before I say “Ok God I’m with you.” Well, that’s not faith.
My problem is that I am a realist and I kept thinking, “Why am I going to pretend like I am ok when I really am not?” The bible says for us to rejoice when trouble comes ( again I”m like..rejoice?”) I”m suppose to be happy when I get knocked on my feet/blindsided and cant figure out which direction I”m going? I”m suppose to look up to God and say “Lord I thank you?” I had a real hard time with that (well i say “had” but some days I still struggle with it). But what I know now is that we dont have to be happy about our despair but we have joy in what God will do in the end/the outcome. Its such a relief now that I think about it because it takes me out of the back and forth from my own self. Now I can REST right in the middle and let God take care of everything. And although it has only been a week I feel so much better adn the good thing is that I recognize when I start to fall back into my old ways.
I finally had to get mad enough to say ” you know what? I am tired of being tired?” cliche i know but enough is enough! I have tied it my way long enough so maybe just maybe I need to just let God take control. When I was driving I had the biggest smile on my face because I finally get it. When God reveals things to me it is so amazing!
The last point I wanted to make that has helped me so much is that I was having such a hard time trying to understand how to cast my cares (by nature I am an analyzer) I know the bible says that we need to cast our cares but I was unsure what that meant. Am I suppose to pray and then sit back and do nothing? Sometimes I still am so unsure on what to do. But, I feel like now I have waisted so much time because I have been sitting back and waiting on God to tell me EVERYTHING I needed to know. I was so scared to take a stance on something because I kept thinking “What if I take this stance and then I find out that I was suppose to go a totally different way?” Now I will have to regroup with my thinking, emotions, etc. So, to keep myself from doing that I just sat back and waited and I felt like God was completely silent. But we have to do our part too.
So I did! I took some time to really think about my stance on certain issues and weighed it all out and I took my stance. And I can tell you that is has been so liberating. So now when my emotions carry me one way I can always fall back to my stance! I guess that’s where the old adage comes from “If you stand for something you will fall for anything.” This has helped me out so much! Now I have not figured it out on all the issues in my life but the most pertinent ones I can say that I am solid in my stance.
The rest of it I am not sure yet and I am learning that sometimes its ok to now know. When it is time for me to know something God will let me know and it will be crystal clear!