I feel like I”m coming into this place of new beginnings. Not only am I coming into it..its pretty exciting, nerve wrecking and fearful all at the same time. I never thought I could come out of or go through such chaos with so much calmness. I mean when I think about all that I’ve endured over the past two years it is only by the grace of God that I am still physically, mentally and emotionally still in tact. And even as I type these words it blows my mind!!
People have always told me that I was a strong black woman and I said it from time to time growing up as I went through trials or when it seemed appropriate to say it. But the difference from then and now is that before it was a name that other people gave me but now it is a name that I give myself! I know that I know that I know that I am a strong black woman. I know that I have to strength that God gave me to push through and endure when there was no one else to turn to but myself. And the thing about heartache is that there is no one that can heal it for you. You have to go through every bit of it by yourself. The encouraging words from friends and family are a band-aid or temporary fix of the pain that you feel. But just like band-aids they soon wear off and because its not properly “medicated” that wound re-opens all over again. The pain continues, the hurt is still apparent and once again with no protection. Thus you begin the process all over again.
Some days you feel as though you are so much further than you should be and part of you wants to enjoy it but the other part of you knows that tomorrow will be a whole different story. And by the slight chance that tomorrow you go by unscathed you know that sooner or later those feelings of emptiness will return. I think the night time has to be the worst. Its that time when you realize that there is nothing else to busy yourself with to keep your mind from settling on hurtful thoughts. Its when the day that you have been running from finally catches up to you. Your thoughts become louder than you ever remember and the laughs, chatters, and noise of the day is no longer there to drown out the sounds and feelings. Those are the moments that you fear but I now know that those were the moments where I grew the most. Its was the moments where my phone would never ring, no one knocked on my door, or even sent an e-mail. The times when you feel the most alone is when you grow because there is absolutely noone to pick you up but yourself.
What I know now is that the saying “trouble dont last always” might sound cliche but it is so true. The person that I am becoming now is learning to be consistently happy. I am learning that happiness can be mine too. And there are days when I cannot even connect with the feelings of my past and those are the days that I smile the brightest. And now whether my phone rings or not or even if there seems to be not a person in the world who knows or even cares about me or what’s going on in my life. IT’S OK..becasue i have learned to be happy regardless becasue I depend on only myself. I am the creater of my own happiness not anyone else, I have the option to be happy everyday! And from the wise words of my grandmother “My past is not tied to my future.”
There are good things to come in my future and its becoming clearer everyday that I take my control back.