Today has been a long time coming! I can specifically remember not too long ago drowning in the piles of bills surrounding me monthly from my “Blue Monday” and wandering how I was going to pay them all and still have enough money left over to take care of my sweet lil man. On paper, it NEVER added up, but God always trumps logic. Even as a thinker, I have yet to figure him out. God sent little unexpected blessings my way that reminded me to continue to look up.
It was so hard and excruciating moving forward sometimes because the road in front of me was so unclear, which made me desperately want to turn BACK and run down the same road I just came from. And that’s when I would look up and say, “Lord help my unbelief!”
I was in Wal-Mart the other day, and I paused by the baby aisle. I reflected back on the many trips up and down that aisle gathering all the sensitive similac on the shelf and the many different jars of baby food that I could find. After buying for my lil man there was barely enough in the budget for myself. There would be days when I would open the refrigerator and wander what I was going to eat in order to maintain the strength to be a healthy mom for ian. Again, there would be different people at different times would surprise me with a gift card or a hot meal. Those little things and acts of kindness would bring me to tears. It was in the those moments that I realized that my prayers were not landing on deaf ears and that God could even hear my silent prayers and interpret my tears without me even saying a word.
I realized that day passing by the baby aisle that I never want to forget that feeling. That longing and act of surrender for the good Lord. I want to be in a position where I don’t worship the gift and more than the giver. There is a quote that I love so much and it says, “Lord, I thank you for tonight because I have not seen anything that I want more than you.” I love this quote because it is a constant reminder to me that even though I am out of my “Blue Monday” sometimes I have a tendency to want all those tangible things that I craved in the darkest valley. I have to remember if I was able to experience peace with God in the midst of my circumstances when my life was falling apart then I surely can continue to be happy with him while he leads me to peaceful streams. As Paul says in Proverbs 30:9 “For if I grow rich, I may deny you and say, “Who is the Lord?” And if I am too poor, I may steal and thus insult God’s holy name.”
I frequently revisit Galatians 6:9 “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Today was one of the days where I was able to experience the fruits of NOT GIVING UP! I was able to pay off my car IN FULL. It’s funny because I had the financial means to pay it off a few weeks ago, but I kept putting it off. I kept waiting, waiting on the right time because I knew that this moment would be an emotional one. Not only emotional but a little scary because this was a moment that I dreamed of all those years ago while I was surrounded by piles of bills. I was fearful because I didn’t want to fall short of my own emotional expectation. I was hoping that I would be able to attach that feeling that I longed for several years ago to now.
But, in reality, I am already free and the only person who help me in captivity was myself. God broke the chains from my past a long time ago. With Christ, I am free, not only is my car PAID IN FULL but so is my SALVATION!!!