Sometimes I can be having the most perfect day and I feel my burden is so light and for those moments I feel as thought I am an actual participant in the world. What is here is actually for me too. But then there are moments where I feel completely robbed. How am I robbed of something that’s not even tangible? How can you take something that I have the power over? How did I lose my power? How did I allow you to take it from me which such ease? It comes so unexpectedly so strong and so powerful. You came and stole my very on “happy.”
Sometimes when I am happy or starting to smile you come and take it away without even so much as my permission. Which I have come to believe gives you the most pleasure. You come and take my happy and you ease my smile. A smile so pretty and pure showing all my pearly whites down to a slight parting of my lips. And you take my laugh from a boisterous active laugh to a “hmmm. It will cause my steps to go from smooth unthinkable strides to slow methodical ones. And I”m forced to try to keep my composure in the midst of company while you have control over “my happy.” While I have to continue to talk with my company and my social groups I am stuck with my thoughts wandering What happened? Why can’t I freely express my own emotions? Why wont you leave me alone? I feel as though I am not in charge. Sometimes you come early enough to keep the creases in my smile from even happening as though I am not even suppose to enjoy my very “own happy.” Its a though for a quick second I am on “happy freeze” and its for everyone else except me. I dont want to be on borrowed time with my “own happy.” It’s mine for goodness sakes!!!
But then there are those moments where I do manage to escape and belt out a really good laugh and after I’m done I feel so free and as though I escaped my own emotional thief. I got away and I finally take a deep breath.But even my deep breaths are cut short and my insides tighten as the thought resurfaces that ‘You will be back.” But I wander when? Sometimes I feel so powerless against the fight. How can I be so strong but yet so weak. And everytime I find myself taking a stance I feel “HIM” come back even stronger. As though happiness is allowed for everyone except me. I am forced to live indirectly with other peoples smiles and laughs. All the time wandering how good it must feel to be so free. Why not me? So I am in the shadow of someone else’s happiness? And sometimes I think that I will try to squeeze in my own laugh from my “own happy” but I feel like “he” is just daring me..daring me to laugh on my own cause..smile on my own cause…and then I am forced to continue participating from the worlds “happy” shadow.