This has been a tough battle. I have been in the boxing ring with my circumstances longer than I ever imagined. Internally I had my own secret deadline that I expected my trouble to be gone by. Can you believe it? I actually had a timeline that I expected God to have worked it all out? Even though my imaginary timeline has come and gone several times my faith still remains. God hasn’t taken my cirmstances away but he has given me the strength to smile and the energy to laugh and my future to dream of…
I find myself (despite my circumstances) daydreaming about my future instead of replaying my past. To some that may sound minor but to me that is a sign of growth and an answered prayer.
The journey has not been easy by any means and if you told me that I would get there at the beginning I would have told you you were crazy. I had a lot of emotional backsliding. But, I can honestly say that my good days are breaking even to my bad days. And on some isntances I feel as though my good days may be as step or two ahead.
What I also think is special is that my “down days” don’t take me down the way they use to. I can fight back to stay aflaot. But they do come! sometimes catching me off guard and others time I hit them dead on but, I know how to purposefully fight back to get myself back to where I can function and that’s only by the grace of God. Because if I never past the test then I will keep getting re-tested over the same battle. “Insanitiy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”
I, as well as my close freinds and family, have worked reallyhard at teaching me to focus all my energy on God instead of my circumstances and people around me. This was a battle within itself and some days my head would hurt so bad from the constant battle, because I am a person who sees things black and white.
Its hard for me to move on from one thought to the next without an answer. So, until I find one that would fills the gap, I toil over it again and again. Only to find that some answers never really had a root or should I say one that was meant for me to know..which brings me to my next point.
As hard as this is to say I am starting to let go of things that I do not understand. I am learning that not knowing is ok. Maybe God does’t want me to know or maybe its just not time for it to be revealed yet. I know that when I strain for understanding on my own is when I become the most confused but, when God reveals to me what I need to know (and by the way its never in the realm of what I thought) it is effortless. When God speaks its is unquestionalble. It’s that “I know..that I know..that I know” feeling brings peace.
Sometimes those anwers can stop me dead in my tracks, other times it wakes me up, or it can give my conversation pause. But I get the most joy in God revelations because it give me confirmation that he is there and he is listening.
My past is not tied to my future and that is a powerful thought to mediate on! Once I realized that what God has in store for me is still available to me regardless of my past it gave me to courage and strenghth to continue toward my future. But in order to take on my future full force I have to completely let go of the past.
Thoughts of my future make me smile, as I’m driving in my car listening to my favorite song , or writing down my goals, or sharing my thoughts with my bestie. becasue I know that what’s to come is so much better than what lies behind. So, to myself I say, “it’s ok, you can go ahead let go from behind and hold on to what lies ahead.”
Everyday is a choice that I get to be in control of. No matter the weather, the way I feel, my circumstances. I get to choose! and lately I am excited to say that I will take door #2 which is MY FUTURE!