This particular post I am pretty excited to write about. Mainly because it has been so refrehing. Each day I am learning to let go a little bit more of my past and looking ahead so excitedly toward my future. “The good ol days” doesn’t mean that my future is not going to be even better and the phrase “I just want things to be the way they use to” may not be all that correct either. Sometimes the past is exactly where some memories, events, and people need to stay. Their particular story is over and instead of “recasting” them to fit into my future I am understanding that some things just don’t belong.
Growing up I have always seemed to have seen things in a different way. I have always watched people with much curiosity. When I looked for people to hang around I wanted to find meaningful people who I thought were worth investing a friendship in. People I thought carried a somewhat similar perspective of the world and it’s meanings.
In doing this I oftentimes found myself not particularly fitting in to one particular group. This is not my moment to have a pity party I am just realizing that maybe all of these events are for a reason. I never felt completely complete in any one particular group. I oftentimes felt as though if I never showed up that no one would inquire about my whereabouts. I wasn’t the first one called about the next big party or gossip or girls night out.
So as usual I would always question myself. Only if I could learn to be a little more social or think a little bit less or relax a little more then I could live as carefree as my peers. They seemed to move and go about life with so much ease, so carefree, and laugh without a care in the world. Man, If I could only get like that!
So, I spent time watching and copying what I thought that life was suppose to be like. What to laugh at..how to laugh..How to walk a little “cooler”..what clothes were cool..what people were cool..the proper words to say..but as usual that “happiness” if that’s what you want to call it left me so confused and empty again. When I was wearing the cool clothes and saying the cool things I would often say to myself “this is not me.” Changing was not the secret.
When I hung around certain groups I allowed myself to be different. And sometimes when those two groups ran into one anohter I became frozen. Which way do I act now? Which music do I listen to now? What topics of conversation do I talk about now?
I realized that I have spent a good bit of my time trying to cover up who I really am because who I really am may not be the coolest or the most popular. I dont have tons of people overly excited to see me or calling me to go on the next girls weekend getaway. Sometimes I feel as though I am almost forgettable. But thank God for growth and Faith:
What I am now realizing is that IT’S OK! It’s ok for me to be ME. and although I am growing and discovering new elements of myself there are parts of me that will not change. My personnality will always be the same: I’m not overly social, not overly friendly (meaning i’m not the first one to go and make new friends), I’m a thinker, I”m an observer.
I”m not overly social and if I had to choose 9 times out of 10 I love to sit at home and watch movie after movie in comfy sweats and a warm blanky. This is my comfort zone. But there are those times where I do get “daring” and want to partake in the night life, get togethers, and social gatherings. But they don’t come that often for me and I”m learning that that is ok!
I do not have to be around people all the time for me to be ok. The best example I can give is this: I like having people around me but not necessarily involved. I like being on the outskirts with the option to participate if I want to but if I don’t, at least I have people around me. I like having options when it time for my “spontaneous social burst” . I am ok sitting in a corner by myself sometimes without having to say a word. I have never been a big talker but when I do say something its something of value. Small talk does not come easy to me and sometimes uncomfortable and too much energy.
But I am not going to apologize or feel bad about the way that I am anymore. Because the truth is this: I not only like but I love Country music, I love to sit and get lost in my thoughts,I don’d make friends easily but, I am a good loyal friend, and I put a lot of time adn energy into the friends that I do have. I love hard sometimes harder that I would like to. I look for a deeper meaning in all things (which can sometimes be my I downfall).
I’m just finding out there is a place where I fit in and I”m starting to spend more time with those people and those situations. It’s my comfort, its my muse! It’s Ok!