I have to take a deep breath while writing this blog…partly because I’ve been holding it for too long and the other part of me is so relieved to let it out.
What I’m learing about healing is that I’m not going slow enough. My mom has always said that patience is not my strongest attribute. Boy, is it proving itself true now. While it frustrates me to take so long on one issue i’m finding it necessary to take my time. I owe it to myself to have a full recovery. Although painful as it is, the only way to fully recover is to go through it all.
First, the pain or injury: The initial heartache of the injury. Just like anything else we never see it coming. Its nothing we can predict or prepare for. No matter how hard we work in the “off season” nothing can prepare us for the “all of a sudden”, or the “I didn’t see it coming,” injuries that happen to us. It hurts, it hurts so bad. Its as though we are too shocked to feel. Everything around us slows down. We are amazed that something like this can happen to us.
Secondly, the recovery: The funny thing about the injury of heartache is that there is no planned rehab. Its trial and error. We are tying to find anything that will make us feel better. Something that will last. One day laughing might work but when you try it the next day it doesn’t get you through the day. Another day, crying, then another, going out.. But, its during this recovery stage that we start to really learn who we are. This is when we move from who were were told to be into who we are suppose to be. There is a lot of resistance during this phase becasue we feel like there is nothing wrong with us.
We think that who we are is who we are suppose to be. If we are honest we have taking steps and made decisions on fulfilling the expectations of others perception of us for so long that it has become our truth. Which is why this part of the recovery takes so long. There is so much confusion, so much back and forth. If its rushed we may miss so much about ourselves. Its during this time, although much longer than we ever want that makes the end so sweet. This stage is made up of hours and hours of thinking, confusion, crying, talking to friends, praying, asking questions, and seeking answers.
There is no right or wrong during this healing stage and sometimes its just not fair. But, once you have learned that these are the cards that you were dealt then you can start to deal your hand one day at a time. Sometimes I feel like I am on the downhill slide and then God politely reminds me that I”m not..lol.
I am not yet at the end of my story so I cannot tell you all the “why’s” and the truth is, I probably wont know all of them but I do have a story, its just not ready to be told yet. Which is why I can’t go into the third phase of this blog yet. I am still living that part out.
But, I can say that right now i”m starting to really feel. And although the memories and moments resurface I feel in a completely different way than before. But, I have to be honest with myself with my thoughts. I have spent so much time supressing my thoughts and feelings which is why they keep coming back up. A good friend of mine reminded me that its ok to feel. That that’s part of healing. So, I had to give myself permission to do so.
Now, I am at a point where I am ready to face them head on. One at a time so I can really deal with them from the root. That’s the only way that I can grow. But, I thank God that he has prepared my heart to go through this part without falling apart. Although its sad I look at it as though I am making my way to the other end of the rainbow.
I am not taking on the feelings of what everybody thinks and says that I should have. I am taking ownership of my own feelings and thoughts. And when God feels as though I am ready to take on another then he will prepre me for it. But, I am not in a hurry to finish. I long for God’s timing.
I do feel a lot lighter. Its a purifying of my soul (if you will). I”m starting to come to my own conclusions about certain issues instead of coming to other people’s conclusions. Basically, what I am saying is that I am getting comforatble with my relationship with God.
This last test that I just came out of was the hardest test so far. I had to believe even when I had no reason at all to believe. But, I had made God a promise that I would do things differently this time. Even though I didn’t hear his voice I had to believe that he was working for me. There were times that I had to pray for God to help my unbelief.
But, he did not remove the circumstance but he gave me peace. There were times that I questioned myself to why I had so much joy. It was amazing to me that I was still able to smile and laugh. I had no idea how it was going to work out but what i did know is that God said that he would never leave me nor forsake me.
And just like the bible says in Isaiah 55:8-9 “My thoughts are completely different from yours..And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than yours.”
God has proven that he is with me time and time again through this storm. But, sometimes my own mind gets in the way. Even though this battle is not over God has given me the strenghth to endure until the race is won.
It is hard! Harder than I ever imagined. But the bible says in Hebrews 12: 12-13 “So take a new grip with your tired hands and stand firm on your shaky legs. Mark out a straight path for your feet. Then those who follow you though they are weak and lame, will not stumble and fall but will become strong.”
I have not completed my race and I am learning so much about myself during the process. Like Paul says in Philippians 3: 13-14 “Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. I strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven.”
I thank God for his word and tailoring my thinking. I am now looking at my past as what I came from instead of something that I long for.